So I’m sure some of you have noticed that my constancy with posting has kind of gone the way of the dodo bird…At this point I’m so far behind on reviews that if they were physical objects I’d be considered a hoarder. It’s gotten really bad, and I feel I owe an explanation to those who are waiting for reviews (both readers and a few authors).
I don’t hide the fact that I have both severe depression and anxiety (both general and social), and I really try to be up front with everyone when I’m feeling low because my productivity goes right out the window and I might end up missing some posts or falling behind. It’s honestly something I try to circumvent, but I’m human and it’s not like I can schedule these periods of mental tailspins for a more convenient times. Some times they last a few days, sometimes they last a couple of weeks…but as this year draws to a close it’s kind of obvious that this current low is lasting much much longer. In fact I’m not really sure if there is a reasonable end to it in sight at the moment, which I shall explain.
2016 has been a rough year and a lot of things happened to sort of destabilize the somewhat tenuous peace I had manged to cultivate over the past two years. 2015 was a bad year as well but I had a glorious little pill that made sure I slept, ate, and didn’t sink into life numbing slump. This year I had to close the bookstore and I turned 26, which means my insurance ran out (working on fixing this as well as getting a new job, hopefully)…and that means for the past two months I’ve been without the medication that helps me function. So a natural return to the cloud of depression was expected, and I’ve been dealing with it long enough that I was some what confident that I could push through the fog when I needed to buckle down.
However, there is one factor that has pretty much killed my ability to do anything other than exist. Withdrawals. My medication is utterly saintly when I’m on it. I had no side effects, other than sleeping a bit too long and having a rough time waking up early. But I ran out and I didn’t think to wean myself off, so I’ve been hit with a withdrawal symptom list that is utterly monstrous. Not only has it allowed my depression to come back full force, but it’s heightened my anxiety to the point where it’s being triggered during things that normally calm me (listening to audiobooks, being on the computer, playing video games, etc.). Add that to the fact that every morning I wake up (assuming I’ve managed to sleep) with a different combination of issues and I’m running on empty. I’m trying to find a ‘safe’ place within my own sphere of existence right now.
I honestly try to not use any of these things as an excuse, because no matter how I feel life must go on and I have obligations to deal with…but I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m struggling right now. I’ve honestly tried to type reviews, I’ve forced myself to read what I can, and I’ve been listening to audios in 10 minute increments…but progress is moving at a snail’s pace and it’s not fair to just leave people without an explanation.
What does this mean moving forward? Well, I don’t know. I’m working on getting my medication refilled, but that probably won’t occur until at least mid-Jan or later. I have no idea when I’ll get a call back for a job or even an interview, so it’s hard to bank on that either. But the little information I do have has to do with the withdrawals, and that is the fact that I could be dealing with this for much longer. So while I will honestly try my hardest to get my reviews up and read those few books I have for review, I would be foolish to promise anything until I know something for sure.
I’m not quitting the blogging world, but there may be moments where I disappear. You’re welcome to send me a message anywhere you follow me and I shall answer, you can even ask me about the books I’ve finished and I’ll give you little mini reviews (it’s easier when I talk to someone).
Thanks for reading this exceedingly long post.